Hello people of this page. It has been a long time since I have updated in here. I finally have a computer up and running though it is not the fastest thing but it is something. This year has been such a challenge for me. I have lost one of my dearest friends (whom I affectionately call “M.A.” online) to illness. He was one of the kindest sweetest people I know. Even though his passing was in January I am still feeling this loss and probably will for some time. On top of this I have not one but two friends that have been evicted for their homes. So between helping both of them move and giving them money I have been not only emotionally but financially strained. Which is not so bad because I get paid tomorrow but I need to renew the tag on my car, pay a credit payment from the dentist, pay my fine to the expressway authority and I am sure there is something else that I cannot think of right now. Plus the breaks and possible cv joints (?) on my car need to be replaced. In moments like these all I can do is step back and breathe and know I am doing the best that I can, working as hard as I can so I can keep a steady income coming in. I sometimes become overwhelmed when I feel that I have too many people depending on me and some of those people act like what I am doing for them is not enough, even though I am doing the best I can or giving the most I can. I wish people could find their own happiness within themselves. I don’t mind giving my time or even my money to people but to then have it thrown into my face is not a good feeling. This time of year always causes me to go into a bit of reflection mode this weekend I will be celebrating my birthday and another year older and hopefully wiser. I will be doing a separate blog reflecting on the year past and where I want to see myself at this time a year from now. I feel like I have made some improvements as far as my new job is concerned and am paying off a lot of debts and bills that I could not afford at my other job so this is defiantly a comforting thought that I am at least holding my head above water where finances are concerned in some aspects. Though there is always room for improvement in this area.

Please check out my new Journal... http://therichcrayon.blogspot.com/

Update

It's been a while since I have posted on here mostly due to my summer being so crazy busy that I have had little time to do anything for myself. With the exception of going to a few theme parks and the movies little time was left for anything else. Things on the homefront have gotten a little better more of the house has been cleaned but there is a lot of work to go. Sometimes between work, caring for aging parents, a semihoarded house and lifes other issues are enough to drive someone mad. My bff also is going through tough times with unemployment and severe depression and now even homelessness. Many times a week bff has been crashing at my place, going between my place and bffs mothers. Bff can't stay at their moms long term due to lack of space and not being on the lease. All this equals more stress and craziness in my life. Drama is not something I enjoy, so I am taking each day as it comes and being positive I still have faith that things will continue to get better. I just have to dig very deep and make good choices and decisions. This maybe easier said than done but it CAN be done.

Rest with a bit of insomnia

After an extremely long work week I have enjoyed two glorious days off.  I love my job very much but these days off were a much needed regrouping session for me. I never get to spend a few hours in bed watching TV and napping and today I did just that. Who would have known that taking a little time out could be so good for the soul. However tomorrow is back to the grind for another 11hour work day. Going to hit the unisom and with some luck get a full 7 hours sleep. Here's hoping for the best.  Wishing everyone a great weekend and peaceful dreams.

spitting in the wind

This week has been one of those trying weeks where I just want to bury my head in the sand for a few moments and forget that there is a whole world swirling with life around me. Not for long just until what I like to fondly call my chi return to me and give me my center again. I found myself crying on the side of a busy interstate here in my town on a very narrow sh older of the road after my fuel pump went out on me. It was around 10:30pm at night and every car that sped buy shook my car. I could feel the vibrations and it was scary really scary. I tried calling the two people in my life that I know I could depend on my bbff (boy best friend) and my dad neither of which could be reached. There was no way I could open the drivers side door and the passenger side was over looking a very steep hill. So no where to really go anyway.
This whole day I had been in a really bad mood all day in in lots of pain due to an impending migraine I was sure was on its way. I am usually a happy and bright person and cheer all of the rest of my team at work up but today I could not have been a more polar opposite of myself. Welcome Dr. Jekyll...oh my. Some how I feel as if my negative emotions manifested these events or could it have been the illness itself that created my reaction. I am not sure which is which in this case but I do believe that negative creates negative and what ever we throw out into the universe we get back in return. Like spitting into the wind, not very advisable cuz in this situation even our own spit can be quite gross.



Every now and then we have and off day and a bad day and it's okay. In the end things worked out for me AAA came my dad came my bbff offered moral support over the phone and the migraine has lingered for the last three days but I got home safe and unharmed. Some times life may be about simply getting trough the day. Kick into survival mode so that we may get through it. A new one will come full of promise.
Lots of hugs and hope

back to blogging - A little bit of hope and sunshiny smiles

So I have decided to buckle down and start to bloging/ journaling again its been a really really long time and i think that i need the therapeutic goodness of it. I have been going through so much this past year with depression, agoraphobia, work bulling issues, heath issues, abusive parent issues, financial issues and other challenges. Yet I have this over whelming desire to positive happy and hopeful. I have this deep desire to be a better person to be amazing and to change the world around me. (Insert sunshine and rainbows if you may) I know for some of you reading this this may sound like complete crazy talk but for someone that has lost so much and has gone though what I have how can I not begin to like my life with a little hope.
Living with out hope means living without without inspiration and strength. Hope gives you the eyes to look for the beauty in each day and goodness in others. Hope is what gets you through when you have nothing else to look forward too. I have this crazy vision that if each of us became more happy shiny people that we could each spread joy and hope to the world. With some kind words and beautiful smiles. I know I feel so warm and fuzzy when someone complements me or gives me a nice smile.

Please evaluate how you are spending your days and see if there is anything you can do to bring joy into your life or into the lives of others it doesn't take much but it can change someones day.

Set Your Emotional Thermostat for Happy

This is an essay that I got in my e-mail as part of the flylady e-mails. This message is too good not to share with others. After all the stress and drama that I have gone through in the last few months and people ask how I can continue to be happy and to smile. My secret it is all about how we see ourselves and if we love ourselves enough we allow ourselves to be happy. Please read and enjoy.

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Young@Heart by Pam Young

Set Your Emotional Thermostat for Happy

When I think about the happy people whom I know personally, one of the attributes they seem to have in common is a wonderful outlook on life. It's like they have a happiness thermostat that is programmed for joy and contentment no matter what happens to them.

I thought of this thermostat metaphor because the one in our house has been working overtime with the heat wave we're having in the northwest. We've got it set at 77 degrees and when outside forces (the sun's rays) raise the temperature, the trusty thermostat kicks the air conditioner on to keep our inside lives running comfortably.

Consider an emotional thermostat. Instead of temperatures imagine words on a thermostat with emotions like miserable, overwhelmed, worried, desperate, optimistic, hopeful, happy, and blissful. Unfortunately many have their thermostats set on negative emotions, but we can set our thermostats for happy by deciding to practice being joyful moment by moment regardless of the forces outside of us.

What is interesting about setting an intention of being happy all the time, is when something pulls you from that place you know it and you can kick in and put yourself back on happy. There's no guesswork in knowing your thermostat is off. When you realize it consider these things first, do I need a drink of water? Have I eaten? Did I get enough sleep last night? Usually one of those three deficiencies will affect your emotional thermostat. When those three elements are taken seriously and taken care of, it's easy to keep your emotional thermostat set on happy.

It can sound selfish to consider your happiness as a priority when there are people in your life who think they need you to consider theirs first. I like to call it enlightened selfishness, because when you take care of your emotions first then you are in a position to serve others in joy. If you don't keep yourself healthy you can't be of service to others instead you are dependent them.

I just read Nikki's essay on smiling at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning and writing a love note to yourself. Smiling at you in the mirror in the morning can set your thermostat for the day and it wouldn't hurt to do it every time you pass a mirror.
In Sidetracked Home Executives: From Pigpen to Paradise one of our rules when Peggy and I got organized was to shower, dress and put on makeup first thing in the morning.

Excerpt: One woman returned to class with this story: "I got up like you said we have to do, and I showered, shampooed my hair, and put my makeup on. I felt wonderful? I went to wake up my teenage son, and he said, 'Aw, Mom, you slept in your clothes!'"

Actually, it was even a bit of a shock to us to pass ourselves in a mirror and catch a glimpse of a stranger in our house. We began complimenting ourselves for looking so nice. "Oh, now don't you look pretty!" We felt a little strange at first, giving complements to an image in the mirror, but we decided we needed some positive stokes. Was it egotistical to tell ourselves how well we were doing? NO! We decided that, if egotistical people would take some time to tell themselves they were "all right," maybe they wouldn't' have to tell everybody else.

Abraham Lincoln said: "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." He also said, "Everybody likes a compliment."

Now I'm going to go write that love note.